


Richie Toziers Netflix Specials

by Skull13



Series: Richie Toziers Famous Life [1]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Adult Losers Club (IT), Aged-Up Losers Club (IT), Losers Club (IT) Friendship, M/M, Netflix special
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-26
Updated: 2020-02-13
Packaged: 2021-02-26 10:21:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21967732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skull13/pseuds/Skull13
Summary: Richie Tozier is back and with his own Netflix SpecialsWritten from the perspective of the beloved loser by a teen who has no life and is exhausted 90% of the time.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Series: Richie Toziers Famous Life [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1582321
Comments: 15
Kudos: 105





	1. Trashmouth Returns

“Hello Boston!” Richie called out to the audience walked on to center stage, giving a slightly nervous half wave as he picked up the mic waiting for him. “This is my first tour in two years since my mental breakdown on stage, which I’m sure people there have wonderful videos of despite us not allowing phones to be used. Also, to the guy who took a video of me throwing up outside before coming up on stage” Richie put on the most feminine voice he could “Hiiiii” 

As people in the crowd laughed he took a sip of water, the heat of the stage lights adding to his nervousness. His hands stopped shaking though as he heard the crowd laugh, a sound he had missed. 

“Ahh, let’s see. Since I’m a comedian and the only thing funny about me besides my appearance is my life I guess I have to talk about what you guys missed.”

People cheered as Richie chuckled and spoke directly into the mic “Boy are you going to regret this…”

All that earned was more giggle until Richie chuckled “No, seriously, you are. I’m going to talk about so much shit you will want me to shut up. Maybe that’s why my childhood friends called me Trashmouth. I certainly know it’s not why my husband calls me that. He had me take out the end of this joke, but it’s important for me to let you know it’s about eating ass”.

Surprised gasps arose when he mentioned having a husband but they quickly turned into laughter. 

“Now I know you have questions about that so let me answer them quickly. Up until now I have never spoken of my childhood, Nevermind my childhood friends. This is because I didn’t remember it, which means I went years without comedy gold about my horrible childhood like so many other comedians!” 

This only gained a few nervous laughs, most people wondering why he didn’t remember.

“You see the reason why I don’t remember my childhood is because of The Derry Disease, or so it’s called by my childhood friend Mike who looks like the guy in the Old Spice Ads that are like ‘Now look at your man, now back to me’. Anyways, my therapist told me it was trauma, but Derry Disease is so much more fun to say and it tells you where I grew up! You heard it straight from me, I am from the child murder capital of the country and probably the world! Great place to raise a family” He winked at a couple in the front row. 

“You see, growing up one of my friends had his little brother taken from him and he was most definitely murdered. I only say this cause it’s been 29 years, we grew up in Derry Maine, and no one can write fucking amazing horror novels unless they had a traumatic childhood where their brother was murdered.”

He put on his feminine voice but with a little bit of Karen sounding flair, hands on his hips “Tell us who he is Richie” 

“It is Horror Novel writer, my childhood friend, Billiam Denbrough- Wait, it’s Bill Denbrough? Nope it’s now Billiam, because I said so and you paid to listen to me so HAH!” 

A bit of applause was given for the mention of the famous author and a few chuckles were given to his joke. 

“Shhhh, shhh my darlings” Richie’s voice went to the gayest most feminine tone “Back to focusing on me and not the author who couldn’t write a decent ending till two years ago” 

That earned him cackles and laughs throughout the audience, until he heard a single ‘Fuck you Richie!’. He smiled and drank from his bottle of water, knowing full well who had said that. 

“Anyways, growing up in the child murder capital was pretty okay until my teen years. That’s when a bully named Henry Bowers started terrorizing my friends and I. My friends at this time were of course Bill, but also a great man named Stan who was a Jew. It’s not important for you to know that but it’s important for me. And oh my god, there was Eddie. Allow me to go on about my childhood crush, my darlings”

Of course Richie went back to the Karen gay voice to say ‘darlings’

“He was a short, small boy who had an overprotective mother who didn’t want him to hang out with anyone to taint his innocence. Of course when I found this out at age ten, I said to myself”

He held the microphone close to his mouth “I’m going to fucking destroy his innocence”

“Or so that’s what his mother thought I said when I started coming over his house to play”

People who had strict parents laughed especially hard at his joke about Sonia Kaspbrak. 

“If you think I’m going to stop there at him, you are mistaken. I had a crush on him my entire childhood and I only remembered about it two years ago.”

The crowd quieted down to hear more about this ‘Eddie’.

“He wore a fucking fanny pack!” Richie screeched into the silence causing people to burst out laughing.

“I fell in love with a boy who wore a fucking fanny pack! And I think that permanently changed me! I think I have a fucking fanny pack fetish or some shit thanks to his hot ass in red shorts with RAINBOWS ON THE FUCKING SIDES THAT MADE HIS ASS LOOK PERFECT!”

The crowd couldn’t stop laughing from Richie’s outburst of pure gay chaotic energy. They had never seen anything like this from Richie. 

“Bet you guys weren’t expecting that from me. That’s cause I used to not write my own material” He gasped before anyone in the audience could. “Side effects of Derry Disease are internalized homophobia and repression that stopped me from being true to you on stage and making fun of girlfriend I never had!” All of this was said as if he was the person listing off the side effects in a medicine commercial “Now back to your original program!”

His voice went back to normal to continue. “Now he had this fanny pack for three inhalers. His usual, his emergency, and his back up. All of them he did not need cause he didn’t have asthma, he just has anxiety and is a hypochondriac thanks to his wonderful mother: Sonia Kaspbrak. Her name means nothing to you but it means everything to me so your gonna have to deal with it. She could have him believe he had every illness in the book. She had him take all these useless meds he didn’t need because she was- in the most Gen-Z/ Millennial terms I could find on Urban Dictionary”

He brought the mic close to his mouth “That bitch” 

This earned laughs from the crowd that gave him a smile on his face.

“Now, eventually as we grew up Eddie found out these meds were placebos when picking up his prescriptions. And he asked what they meant, and the girl there said ‘Their bullshit’. So my little crush Eddie with such a sweet baby voice and a baby face, goes home. He confronts his mother about the meds, and little Eddie Kaspbrak takes the placebos and says to his overprotective mother ‘THEIR GAZEBOS, THEIR BULLSHIT!’”

People across the audience burst out laughing.

“I know! I sure know how to pick a man, don’t I?! Fuck, when I heard what he’d done of course I made fun of him and corrected him that they were placebos but also I was 10 times more in love. Which was not great cause I grew up in Derry Maine with a bully who was homophobic and wanted to kill all my friends and my little gay ass. It doesn’t help that he was responsible for all the child murders in Derry in the 80’s. He killed his dad too, and tried to kill my friends and I when we were like thirteen”.

The crowd gasped, Richie nodded and took a sip of water. 

“Ooof that took a dark twist didn’t it. I hate it when comedians do that. Or at least I used to think I hated when comedians did that cause I used comedy to hide my gayness and my emotions for so long. You know when Eddie would make my crush on him grow by being his perfect self, I would make a joke about fucking his mom” 

Most teenage boys and guys in the audience laughed especially hard at that.

“See these guys know what I’m talking about” Richie smiled “Now let’s get really deep into this dark shit cause I have a lot of explaining to do. And I owe it to my audience.”

People clapped for Richie as he let out a sigh. His nerves kicking up again but it was going to be okay. He went over this so many times with his husband. He practiced so many times that now he only tears up a little bit. He could do this.

“I threw up two years ago cause I got a call from my childhood friend, Mike. The one that reminds me of the Old Spice ads. Up till then I only remembered moving to LA when I was 18, and back then my only instinct was to leave Derry and leave my memories of there behind besides the stuff I wanted to remember like Eddie, but I forgot everything. And when I got a call from someone I hadn’t spoken to in 27 years- It all came back. Fucking Derry Disease made me throw up, go on stage, forget my joke, and throw up again. Turns out throwing up is a side effect of my fight or flight response but I’m gonna say it’s Derry Disease cause my therapist needs more reasons to hate my gay ass”.

Most people were silent with intrigue but others laughed at the mention of Richie being gay for the hundredth time. 

“Anyways, my friend Mike called all of my childhood friends cause Henry Bowers, who I mentioned before, had escaped the mental asylum he was in and was after killing us again. And when we were young and had gotten Bowers into the mental institution in the first place, we made a blood oath to get together and defeat Bowers again if he ever got out of there cause we were young and stupid.”

He took another sip of his water, finishing off the first bottle. 

“Now I think I should tell you there was more than just Bill, Stan, Eddie, and I cause you are probably wondering how the hell this motherfucking Mike was involved and what gave him the right to call us all to come back to fucking Derry!” 

People in the audience nodded and clapped a bit, maybe a few chuckles here or there. 

“Let’s see, there’s famous architect Ben Hanscom. He used to be fat and I used to be skinny. As you can see the roles have reversed so now he’s jacked as fuck, and I’m still lanky but with a slight dad bod, but it’s okay cause my husband thinks I’m sexy though he won’t admit it. Hah!”

The crowd laughed from the mention of Richie’s unknown husband, and clapped for the famous architect.

“Then my best friend, Beverly Marsh Hanscom, who married Ben just a year ago and I was her maid of honor!” He posed for the audience, letting the laughter fill him with joy to recover from talking about what It had done to his friends, covering it up with Bowers since they both made his childhood a living hell. 

“But don’t worry she’s not only famous cause of marrying him, oh no, she has her own fashion shit that almost every woman is probably wearing tonight” 

People in the audience clapped and cheered for the famous designer, before the audience finally settled down to hear more from Richie.

“Well, like I said we were all picked on by Bowers in our childhood we only remembered till two years ago, and you bet your ass we got him back into that asylum. But this was a lot easier said than done and what happened is, I never got to tell my childhood crush I loved him. He was found by Bowers, stabbed in the cheek and in the gut, straight through with a massive knife in a hotel” Tears came to Richie’s eyes, he sniffles slightly at the memory. “We got him to the hospital and we were all sure he was dead…”

People awwed and shouted out words of concern and affection to Richie.

He whimpered slightly “You know what the worst part is of that horrible day?” 

He sniffled a ton before he deadpanned “He wasn’t even fucking dead”

People burst out laughing 

“THIS MOTHER FUCKER, WAS LEGALLY DEAD FOR TWO FUCKING MINUTES! AND DID I HAPPEN TO MENTION HIS LAST WORDS TO ME?”

Richie looked at the audience to get a yes or a no, one person screeched ‘No!’ up to him on stage. He smiled softly before putting on a serious face “We were in the bathroom of a hotel, I held him in my arms, and he says ‘Richie…’, so of course I lean forward and I’m like ‘Yeah, Eddie Spaghetti?’ Cause that’s what I always called him.”

This earned a few ‘awws’ from the audience.

Richie brought the mic close to his mouth “Richie, I fucked your mom”. He dropped the mic and did a lap around the stage before picking up the mic again.

“WHO THE HELL SAYS THAT WHEN THEY ARE DYING?!”

The crowd roared with laughter as Richie drank from his second bottle of water.

“Anyway, now you must be asking”

He put on his gay Karen voice “Richie, you said you never got to tell him you loved him!”

“Now That is absolutely true, cause he told me he loved me and that spring we got married” Richie smiled as people clapped and cheered for him.

“Thank you guys, you have been a wonderful audience, I’m Trashmouth and I promise the next special won’t be so fucking depressing cause it’s gonna be about my life married to a god damn risk analyst. Watch this special, ‘Trashmouth returns’ on Netflix and soon to be illegally streamed on YouTube cause I know you bitches love to do that shit”

Richie walked off stage and met up with the Losers Club, his friends sufficiently buzzed after taking shots every time Richie mentioned he was gay. 

Eddie threatened to kill Richie for the joke he made about him but otherwise was so proud of him.

  
  
  



	2. Trashmouth In The Married Life

“Hello Boston!” Richie walked out on stage “Boy did I miss you guys, this is the same place I started touring again after my mental breakdown that I won’t stop talking about because it has millions of views, as well as the video of me throwing up. My friends show it to me all the time now so thanks a lot.” 

He sighed and took a long drink of water. 

“Last show I filled you guys all in on years of chaos and I gave you all the- Hold on I have a vocab card for this because I have been told I have a bigger Millennial and Gen Z audience”

Richie got out a flashcards and pretended to read it in a British accent “The motherfucking tea”

He ended his sentence with a mouth pop that had people cackling.

“I have a bigger Gen Z and Millenial audience now because I revealed that me, Richie Trashmouth Tozier, am a homosexual”

He gasped dramatically as people cheered and clapped for him. 

“Thank you, thank you. You see I was in the closet so long that now I’ve been catching up on gay culture and it is so fucking cool. And now I realize, how the hell did people not think I was gay? Y’all are stupid for thinking I was straight! I mean have you heard my voice?!”

This earned him a few laughs

“But to be fair, in your defense, I do do voices a fucking lot. Now I think I don’t mention this enough, I have a husband! And he hates all the voices I do. Always has. The thing about being married to your childhood crush is that you notice the things about them that never change. It’s both beautiful because I get to make fun of him, and awful cause he can make fun of me.”

The audience chuckled softly as Richie took a sip of water from one of the bottles on a stool near the mic. 

“Now like I said, my husband has always hated my voices. Growing up in Derry- and you know where this is going cause everything bad happens in Derry Maine- my friend, Ben Hanscom, famous architect”

Richie winked at the audience as various cheers came from the crowd. 

“Ahhh I love telling people I have famous friends cause it makes me seem more important than I am”, He sighed as people chuckled.

“ Ben was injured by one of our many bullies, so my love of my life was ranting about AIDS and getting materials to fix up the old chap!” 

Of course he got into the British guy voice since it felt so perfect for this story.

“He steals from the local pharmacy with my friends Bill and Stan, thanks to our friend Bev distracting this creepy pedo pharmacist. I say this just to add to how awful fucking Derry Maine is. I don’t know how my friend Mike managed to live there for so long. Anyways, Eddie the anxious wreck STEALS from a pharmacy, and he goes to help Ben stop the bleeding and bandage him up. Let me tell you it is a shame my baby isn’t a doctor cause he was fucking amazing at it, and when we were younger in that moment I told him to ‘Get in there Dr. K! Shut the wound!’”

He put on the British voice again to quote himself as people laughed.

“It is a shame that he isn’t a doctor so I can’t annoy him more than I already do every day for the rest of our lives” 

The sentence came out of him almost dreamily.

“He isn’t a doctor, he is a risk analyst, and when he told me what he did for work I pretended to be asleep because it sounded fucking boring.”

Richie deadpanned “And oh it is fucking boring”

He waited for people’s laughter to die down before continuing.

“ But it’s so perfect for him, you know. His mother told him all about useless risks and made up all these reasons for him not to do things so it makes sense that he wanted to FIGURE OUT HER BULLSHIT!” 

The crowd laughed at the intensity Richie screeched with, his face nothing but anger for the long dead woman. He froze like that till the laughter died down. 

“Fucking Sonia Kaspbrak…” He sighed softly under his breath

“Don’t worry, he lets me make fun of his mom for the most part. I always go through my routine with Eddie cause I want to make sure he’s okay with the jokes about his mom or him or our friends cause I don’t want him to hate me. But of course I add in jokes anyways at the very last minute. Like now when I tell you that I run the jokes about him by him cause I want to make sure I’m gonna be allowed to fuck him after each show back at the hotel” 

He winked at the audience and waved at Eddie in the audience as people laughed and clapped for him. 

“Speaking of my routine, I’d love to tell you about my writing process. Whenever I’m writing I’m inspired by two comedians who also have many Netflix specials that I highly recommend, John Mulaney and Iliza Shlesinger. John because we’re both lanky awkward men that haven’t gotten sleep in days, have weird voices, weird appearances, big Millenial and Gen Z audiences, and back in the day he used to write some of my skits on SNL before either he or I was fired, I can’t remember which happened first. I think it was a midget that got us fired.”

People laughed at the slight reference to Richie’s character Stefon on SNL and cheered for John Mulaney.

“He’s a great friend of mine, and Eddie is a huge fan of him. I think besides him loving me he married me just to say John is a friend of ours. Also I think it’s important to say that John is one of the many reasons Eddie doesn’t think I’m funny!”

Gasps and laughter filled the crowd as Richie took a drink of water from his bottle. 

“I know! But it’s not like I can argue ‘Hey, my comedy pays the bills’ cause we all know Eddie does that with his stable job and steady income. The fucking bitch.”

More gasps arose from the audience as well as laughter.

“I’m kidding, I love him and he loves me but we’re just that couple because we’re childhood friends. We’re just as rude and disgusting to each other and I think that’s really beautiful. I think now it’s just with the addition of sex and kisses, cause lord knows we cuddled all the time when we were younger” 

Awws came from the audience 

“I know we’re adorable, anyway about Iliza Shlesinger and I, we have nothing in common except for the voices and the aggression and screeching. And I think that’s beautiful” 

There were cheers for the famous comedian, which had Richie smile. 

“Oh, I write in the shower by the way”

Surprised gasps filled the audience and a few subtle giggles.

“That is right, when I’m not fucking my husband in the shower, I am on my phone writing every single thing I say or do on stage. That means Eddie has me pay the water bill and it makes writers block ten times worse cause I know every minute I’m trying to think what to write, is another dollar I have to pay” 

He sighed as people laughed, shaking his head. 

“Oh! I almost forgot, now that I’ve been married to my Eddie for quite a bit everyone wants us to adopt a child.” 

He dramatically rolled his eyes and put on his gay voice “Bitch, pleaseeeeee”

“I don’t need a fucking child, I have a dog! He’s a Pomeranian, spoiled as fuck, an attention whore, and Eddie loves him more than me and I can not compete with that kind of competition!” 

The audience was left cackling, it was hard for Richie to keep a straight face, mostly cause he was gay. 

“Don’t laugh at me, my husband loves our dog more than me! Now if we adopt any children I will have more fucking competition! And not to mention, what makes you think I’d be a good dad? I understand Eddie being the perfect father but me? Either the kid or me would be dead if we spent an hour together. One of us would do something stupid and not know how to help the other”

He took a sip of water as people laughed.

“Now I want you to forget everything I said. Eddie and I have been considering to adopt lately. That is only because we can’t grow our own so we might as well go for the store bought” 

He shrugged as the audience cackled.

“I want you to know this has nothing to do with adoption, and everything to do with I’m an awful person. Maybe that’s why they call me Trashmouth.” 

The audience cheered as Richie finished off his water. 

“Thank you guys, you have been a wonderful audience, I’m Trashmouth and watch this special, ‘Trashmouth in the Married Life’ on Netflix and soon to be illegally streamed on YouTube cause I know you bitches love to do that shit”

Richie walked off stage and met up with the Losers Club, giving Eddie a kiss before hugging his friends. 

“Is it true you guys are thinking of having a kid?” Bev asked the happy chaotic couple. 

Richie snorted “Fuck no, but gotta keep the fans happy and intrigued right?”

Eddie kicked Richie in the shin “You are gonna be replaced with our dog for real and be living on the couch if you don’t fucking adopt me a child” 

Richie pouted and wrapped his arms around his beloved. 

“Fine, Eddie Spaghetti”. 


	3. Trashmouth Domestic Life

“Hello Boston!” Richie walked out on stage as the crowd cheered. He waved and grabbed the mic, smiling out at the audience. “I’m back once again, but this time I have a fucking screen and a cool remote to show you wonderful photos”.

He smirked as the audience continued to cheer.

“Now I think it’s best to start with the love of my life, Eddie Spaghetti”

He put a picture of Eddie and him on their wedding day up on the screens onstage. This earned gasps and applause at the cute couple.

“I know he’s fucking beautiful and he’s all mine- and my kids- Did I mention I have kids now?”

More gasps and cheers arose from the crowd.

“I know, I know, It’s fantastic. Now you may be wondering”

He put on his gay Karen voice “Richard, why do you have kids if last time you said you didn’t want them?”

“Well I’ll tell you, my husband told me to. Just look at him. I will do anything he fucking says. But really, he threatened me by saying he would replace me with the dog and that he would have me sleep on the couch. I’m more motivated by the dog thing and I’ll tell you why”

People giggled quietly at the idea of Eddie threatening Richie now that they have seen what he looks like.

“You see, Eddie will have me sleep on the couch for like an hour if we’re having a fight then he’ll come out and be like ‘Come back to bed, honey, this is bad for your back’.” 

Richie gave Eddie an almost accurate voice when quoting him.

“Now WHAT THE FUCK?! Since when have I had to fucking deal with that bullshit! And it’s fucking worse that it’s fucking true! I’m used to being disgusting cause that’s just who I am but now I’m not only disgusting, I’m old! I’m old and disgusting while Eddie is here still looking like a young sexy piece of ass who’s body isn’t fucking failing him!”

This earned Richie cackles coming from the audience, which he had to struggle to not smile from.

“ What’s worse is that people tell me Eddie looks better than me to my fucking face! Some mother fucking kids on the internet who stalk me are always tweeting me about how much better looking he is than me!”

He pressed a button to show all the tweets to Richie about how awkward Richie looks next to Eddie. 

“You guys need to fuck off. It’s not good for my Eddie’s ego. When we got invited to the Grammy’s a few months ago, he wouldn’t stop wearing the Gucci track suit I got him as a joke one Christmas all week on his morning jogs leading up to it.”

He shook his head in disappointment as the crowd laughed. He got a sip of water in before sighing.

“Enough about my dork of a husband, now to my children AND my dork of a husband!” 

He held out his hands to the audience, letting them cheer before putting his arms down and bringing the mic back to his mouth.

“We have adopted a baby girl, and we named her Leia cause I have an unhealthy obsession with Star Wars cause I’m geeky like that and I’m surprised my husband allowed me to name her that. Besides, to have my daughter be named after a bad ass, Yes please!” 

He put up a picture of the day Eddie and him adopted her on the screen with a click of a button. Awws arose from the audience.

“I know, she’s adorable. She is two years old now and she calls Eddie dada, and Me papa cause I swear to god I will not have my child calling me ‘daddy’. This world has ruined that word for me. But I can’t judge cause I’m the one with the fanny pack and foot fetish” 

The crowd laughed and were caught off guard by the mention of a foot fetish.

Richie put on an old lady voice “Ahh, you are intrigued by the mention of a foot fetish during a seemingly pure Netflix special? HAHA YOU WERE WRONG!” 

The audience laughed and listened intently to Richie as he continued.

“It’s flashback to my childhood, guys, so don’t get mad at me for getting off track. This time it isn’t depressing I promise. Back in Derry, my friend Ben had made us a cool underground hide out where my friend Bev and I would smoke cigarettes, and I would read comic books with Eddie. We had this hammock down there and we would take ten minute turns. Eddie was always after me so one time I decided to not get up after the ten minutes, and Eddie got so annoyed he just decided to get in with me. This bitch who had no idea I had a crush on him was FUCKING SHOVING HIS FEET IN MY FACE, POKING ME REPEATEDLY WITH HIS FOOT, LIKE MY GOD DID THIS KID INTEND FOR ME TO HAVE A FUCKING FOOT FETISH OR SOME SHIT?!”

Richie chugged his first bottle of water and threw it onto the floor as the audience burst with laughter.

“Gotta stay hydrated, Eddie almost sent me to the couch because last tour I wasn’t drinking enough water. He’s such a fucking dork and I love him. Speaking of him being a dork, you’d think he’d be an overprotective parent like his mother from what I’ve told you about Sonia Kaspbrak, but I swear he is so fucking great as a parent. And I if any of you guys remember, I said I would be a bad parent-“

Richie deadpanned “I was fucking right”

A few chuckles came from the audience

“I am a bad parent, I don’t have any reasons why I am a bad parent, but I can sense it. My child is two now and like, it’s barely parenting I have to do now. The real parenting comes around like 13 when I have to tell my kid not to do stupid shit that I sure as hell know I did as a kid, you know?”

Sounds of agreement came from parents in the audience.

“Now I must say, I can’t change a diaper for shit, but I am a master at stopping my baby from crying. Eddie doesn’t like when I tell people that the first week we had our baby girl home with us, He was sleep deprived all week cause he couldn’t get her to stop crying. So after letting him suffer, I finally stepped in and I shit you not the minute she was in my arms she was out like a light. And this made Eddie want to fucking kill me, which I’m sure all the women who have given birth to a child can relate to my Eddie. He did not speak to me for three days, would not look at me for two. But since then throughout the first few months whenever she’d start crying, Eddie did not care what I was doing, he would put her in my arms and leave to go take a nap.” 

People gave applause and laughs for Eddie as Richie took a sip of water. 

“Eddie doesn’t deal with any bullshit besides mine, he is straight to the point and that’s the only thing he can manage to do straight”

The crowd snickered at the gay joke

“You know I had to make a gay joke, my darlings” He had his gay voice on to say darlings.

The audience cheered as Richie finished off his water. 

“Thank you guys, you have been a wonderful audience, I’m Trashmouth and watch this special, ‘Trashmouth Domestic Life’ on Netflix and soon to be illegally streamed on YouTube cause I know you bitches love to do that shit”

Richie walked off stage and met up with Eddie, kissing him passionately.

Eddie kissed him back and wrapped his arms around his neck “I paid the babysitter to watch over Leia for two more hours~”.

Richie’s eyes lit up “Sex in the hotel room?”

“Sex in the hotel room” Eddie nodded, practically dragging Richie out to their car to go back to their hotel.


	4. Trashmouth Holiday Special

“

Hello Boston!” Richie walked out on stage as the crowd cheered. He waved and grabbed the mic, smiling out at the audience. “I’m back once again, but this time it’s near the holidays, Merry Chrysanthemum, MerryJewmas, and Happy Holidays”.

The audience laughed and clapped for Richie.

“If your significant other says coming here tonight is your holiday gift, and they aren’t getting you anything for actual Christmas, break up with them. This is a shitty gift: Watching a middle aged white man walk across a stage, guzzling water like its vodka in between sentences, and listening to him complaining about his first world problems. That ain’t sexy. Your lover deserves chocolates and comfy robes on Christmas morning, and once the kids are asleep, lingerie that makes them feel confident and sexy in their own body you love so much. They don’t deserve an envelope with two tickets for a show they won’t see till December 30th that you bought in November cause THEY WERE ON FUCKING SALE!”

The crowd cheered as Richie walked a lap around the stage, trying to seem pissed off before going back to neutral.

“Now, I’m glad to see you all two days before Christmas. I celebrate Christmas cause Im a brat and I want presents, I’m not religious at all. My husband isn’t either cause religion gives him anxiety. But since it’s near the holiday, It means I can tell you all Christmas stories”

The audience awwed.

. “Very pure when you hear it but then you remember it’s coming from me”

This changed the awws into chuckles, making Richie smirk.

“Now if your new or just don’t remember, my husbands mothers name is Sonia Kaspbrak. This is important for later, which is the only reason I’m saying the dark lords name”

Richie had put on a voice mimicking the people in the Harry Potter movies.

“So a few years ago, when Eddie and I were newlyweds, I was shopping for a gift for him. Now my baby sure as hell knows how to do eyeshadow and makeup. So the perfect gift for him would be a makeup bag by Sonia Kashuk. I ordered it online cause I hate going out to the real world”

This earned laughs and cheers from his audience that were all a bit antisocial.

“and when it came in it was in a box with the name Sonia Kashuk on it. So I wrap it up, make it all pretty. On Christmas morning he unwraps it in his half awake state. He reads the box, I see his face go completely pale and he sets the box aside. Long story short, instead of giving my husband a makeup bag, I gave him a panic attack.”

Richie chuckled as the audience gave him a sarcastic slow clap.

“Thank you, Thank you. I deserve the husband of the year award. Now I’d like to remind you I have a baby girl named Leia who just turned three”

The crowd cheered for his child, making Richie smile.

“And Eddie and I have just signed adoption papers for a few months old baby boy” 

More cheers came from the audience.

“Right now we’re debating on names for the child, and I don’t think I should be allowed to give suggestions. My parents named me Richard Wentworth Tozier.”

He allowed the audience to cackle at his middle name.

“Yeah fuck you too. We all know some loser here has a middle name Merium, and if any of you know what I’m referencing, I applaud you.”

Most people in the audience chuckled, knowing the show he was referencing.

“Now, because my name is Richard Wentworth Tozier, It’s like my mind subconsciously hates this child and wants to give him names he most certainly will be made fun of for. One of the first names I suggested was Marximus, sounds like Maximus, but with a random R. That’s so when he writes his name, kids will make fun of him for that god damn R. Then there was Dominik, with a K, not a C. Kids will either make fun of my child or make fun of me cause maybe all of this isn’t my subconscious hating my child, I just can’t fucking spell.”

Richie shook his head as the audience laughed.

“In conclusion, Eddie wants to name the kid Jace cause I named the other child and I let him because I don’t want the kid to hate me even more than he will when he says his middle name is Wentworth.”

The audience laughed and clapped for him.

“Thank you guys, you have been a wonderful audience, I’m Trashmouth and watch this special, ‘Trashmouth Holiday Special’ on Netflix and soon to be illegally streamed on YouTube cause I know you bitches love to do that shit”

Richie walked off stage and went to his dressing room, calling Eddie to discuss holiday plans. 


	5. Not An Update

Hey y’all 

I’m working on a special right now and writers block is being a whore

So I have a little request for y’all

Comment stories from your school years over the next two days and I will see if I can add some as Richie’s childhood stories about school since I have been racking my brain for ideas for it since the last time I posted, and I am currently too sick to go to school and experience funny stories to add in myself.

Also if you have any ideas for any other Reddie stories from me feel free. 

I might try writing other specials till then or work on other stories.

Thank you for reading so far and thank you for your support. 


	6. Trashmouth School Days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unknown_yeet/pseuds/Unknown_yeet and https://archiveofourown.org/users/Isabella1608/pseuds/Isabella1608 for sharing your stories that helped make this special

“Hello Boston!” Richie walked out on stage as the crowd cheered. He waved and grabbed the mic, smiling out at the audience. “I’m back once again, but this time as a comedian with a big Gen Z audience and as a dad I’m expected to announce its September and around that time where students are getting back into school.”

The thousands of sighs arose from the audience.

“I know, it sucks. Especially now because I need to find a preschool to take my Leia away from me for hours and actually teach her something instead of having her as my personal therapist.” 

Richie huffed as the audience chuckled.

“Yeah, laugh at my expense, thanks. You see I love my daughter Leia, and I call her my personal therapist because I don’t have to pay money for her to give me advice first of all, SHANNON!”

The audience laughed at his outburst.

“Shannon is not my therapists name, but it sounds like it could be.”

The audience chuckled at that.

“Thank you, thank you. Anyway, I also call my daughter my personal therapist because three year olds give solid advice. You know they’re watching shows and reading books on how to not grow up to be shitty people, and clearly that knowledge fades over time if you see the adults in our lives right now. I mean just the other day I saw this asshole Richie Tozier on TV”

He rolled his eyes as the audience laughed.

“But as I was saying, this information is fresh in her brain and now that she can talk she is giving me damn good advice! A few days ago I was on the phone with my friends Bev and Ben, and I was trying to ask them to come over for dinner, just the two couples you know. Thing is they wouldn’t shut up, which is surprising cause it’s usually me who can’t shut up. I keep trying to say what I want to say and my daughter looks at me and she’s like ‘Your time will come to speak, for now you listen’”

When quoting his daughter, he did the Star Wars hand gesture from when Obi-Wan Kenobi was brainwashing a stormtrooper in the fourth movie. People who got his reference were laughing hysterically.

“Fucking what?! A few words from my daughter and suddenly I’m thinking I need to shut my trashmouth and listen to my friends cause thats what good friends do. She’s the best though and the whole purpose to telling you this story is really just to tell myself that she needs to go to school to give her more of this wonderful knowledge and make her one day into an actual certified therapist. She is so fucking smart and I love her. My son, I know he’s gonna be stupid, just like his dad!”

The awws from the crowd from him saying how much he loves his daughter quickly went away, turning into laughter and surprised gasps.

“I don’t mean he’s going to be dumb, I mean he’s going to make stupid decisions just like me, cause I was a dumb kid, still am!”

The audience chuckled with a little bit of relief.

“This may come as a surprise but I was an all A’s student, you wouldn’t think that cause A. I chose to be a Comedian as a profession, B. I can’t title anything for shit. My first special when I started writing my own material was Trashmouth Returns. Although I did say I was smart, never said I was creative. Oh, and C. You thought I’d be too distracted by Eddie’s sweet ass I could never do well academically, but guess what, I’m a great multitasker honey!” 

The sea of people burst into laughter, listening to Richie.

“Eddie was also a great student, he should have become a doctor. He would look so fucking hot in a doctors uniform. Now I’m not allowed to tell you about my sex life because my dear Eduardo said no, but he didn’t say anything about me telling you I look great in a sexy nurse costume and he has the shoulders of a Greek god that makes a doctors coat just slip off”

He winked at the laughing audience as he sauntered to one side of the stage. 

“I promise our sex life isn’t the only reason I think he would be a good doctor. He is a hypochondriac and a germaphobe, that is my reasoning for him being a doctor. However, he is a risk analyst which means he’s not only a slut for me but for also statistics. He is the guy in the meetings being like”

He did his best Eddie impression. 

“Risk number 1,422 if you build this building there is a .0000000010% that there will be an Alien Invasion because they will think the building is an ultimate weapon to destroy the galaxy. Any questions?”

Richie said all this without a change in facial expression, maintaining a serious face. He stared intently at the camera even as the audience laughed.

“Anyways, back to school. Like many of you.”

Various groans filled the audience 

“I know I had to, I had to cause I hated school as well when I was growing up. There was no reason really besides wanting to cry because my classmates do nothing but complain about other people in the class, usually me or people I hated or my friends. But school was pretty good at times. This one time in 5th grade we had to make a video about god knows what for science class, and my friend Bill and I were making a sketch about camping. Now, how I didn’t know I was gay sooner is a mystery cause let me tell you that I went all out with the costumes and the dramatics! I am surprised I am not on Broadway by now.”

The audience chuckled at Richie’s grand hand gestures as he talked, strutting around the stage.

“Now it’s important I tell you we made props too, like a fake fire. However, we did not make a fake salamander.” 

Richie sighed as the memory filled his mind and sounds of curiosity filled the audience.

“So Bill had this great backyard to film our video, and we made a tent and had the whole thing set up. We start filming and go to sit down on logs across from the fake fire we make. Bill starts acting weird- scratching at his leg and looking around as we try to film, so I get pissed off and yell at him. I was like”

He puts on his Child Self voice 

“What the fuck are you doing Bill? Haven’t jacked off in so long that you’ve gone literally insane?”

The audience chuckled but whether it was about what he said or just his voice was a mystery to Richie.

“Cause I was an asshole kid like that. Anyways, Bill looks at me and goes ‘I-I think there’s s-s-something crawling on m-m-me’, you know cause he had a stutter. I look at him like he’s insane but in fact he does have a salamander on his leg. So I pick the salamander up, and I did what all young boys do, and chased my friend all around his goddamn yard with the salamander in my hands.”

The audience laughed and applauded him 

“That’s not even the best part. You see we caught it all on film, and while I’m chasing him you can see little Georgie walk in. He was Bill’s little brother, a great kid. And so he walks in on us being dumbasses as little boys are, and he wanted to prove he was a dumb ass too apparently.”

He put his hand on his hip.

“This small boy, takes his small grubby paws, picks up the fake campfire” 

As he narrated what Georgie did, he also started doing the motions with it as well, which had the audience cackling.

“He throws it up into the air, Younger me has chased Bill into a lake in their backyard, and I swear to god. The fake campfire lands on this child’s head- and the film cuts to black.” 

The audience laughed and clapped for Richie. 

“Thank you guys, you have been a wonderful audience, I’m Trashmouth and watch this special, ‘Trashmouth School Days’ on Netflix and soon to be illegally streamed on YouTube cause I know you bitches love to do that shit”

Richie walked off stage and got ready to go out to do shots at a bar with the Losers Club. 

  
  



	7. R-Rated Trashmouth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When reading to my friend what I wrote I said hexy instead of healthy sex life and it’s important for me to let you know that

Richie walked up out onto stage after being announced, he gave a small wave and grabbed the mic. “Alright how we doing tonight?!  
The audience cheered and clapped, however they were confused on why Richie had given a different introduction than usual.  
“So my husband caught me masturbating to his friends Facebook page”  
There were confused noises coming from the audience.  
“And uh- now I’m in masturbators anonymous. I stand up at the first meeting and I say”  
He raised his right hand.  
“My name is Richie Trashmouth- Trashmouth Uh… Don’t worry that shit ain’t fucking happening again, I left that to the life behind me, before my hot piece of ass husband and my beautiful children. I leave that in my whore days. But it’s nice to go onto YouTube and watch the video of that event”   
The audience chuckled and clapped for him.  
“Yeah I’m lying but I had to watch it to write this show tonight so you are fucking welcome!”  
Distant ‘Woo’s came from the audience as well as whistles.  
“Thank you. Tis nice to be whistled at instead of having to deal with my husband getting whistled at all the time. He is so fucking hot to gay men, I don’t understand, but then I remember that I too am a gay man. In case you forgot.”  
There were more whistles that Richie pretended to blush at.   
“Oh my goshhhh, stopppp”  
He used his teenage girl voice before returning to his normal one.  
“Anyway, this is a very special show tonight, because Eduardo made a very big mistake.”  
This rose ‘Oooo’s of interest and intrigue from the crowd.  
“It was late at night and he had just comforted me after a mental breakdown of watching that video I told you about earlier, and I’m trying to think of what to base my special around. If you remember from my past specials or are seeing me for the first time, you know that I write in the fucking shower. So I was taking a bath and Eddie was brushing his teeth cause we’re gay like that.”  
A few distant snickers came from the audience, Richie smirked softly to himself knowing that many snickers and a pissed off Eddie was in his future.  
“And so I’m thinking, and I look at my husbands ass in these adorable pj pants I had got him that fit him perfectly yet comfortably, cause only the best for my bitch”  
He winked at the audience as people laughed.  
“I point my phone at his ass and say ‘Can I write about that’ and my Eddie Spaghetti, god bless his soul, responds sarcastically. Which is never a thing you should do when you’re married to a comedian, take it from me or John Mulaney. Depends on if you believe a gay man or three quarters of a gay man minus the sex drive for guys but all the personality and qualities.”  
He let people cheer for the mention of his friend and laugh at the reference he made to one of John's specials.   
“My Edward Spagedward goes”  
He turns to one side, pretends to take a toothbrush out of his mouth and pretends to spit into an imaginary sink, turns back towards the audience, and does his best Eddie impression, close up to the mic.  
“Yeah, why don’t you write about our entire sex life while your at it, Rich.”  
He dropped the mic and posed like he was the most powerful man in the world, the audience cheering in anticipation for what he was about to say next. He picked up the mic eventually.  
“You heard it, This special is all about the dick jokes!”  
The crowd cheered once again as Richie smiled like the happy idiot he is.  
“Now I want to address something before diving into my favorite part of my mind. Yes I do still maintain a healthy sex life with my husband even though we have children. We have a lock on our door and no one else’s for a reason. And if the kids knock on our door, Eddie let’s me yell at them to go away cause dada and papa are ‘busy’”  
You bet your ass that Richie did air quotes when he said ‘busy’. The audience clapped and laughed, purely enjoying Richie’s pervy side already, especially if this is only the beginning.  
“Well now that we have that out of the way, we can begin from the very start of all things sexual, like how I found out I was gay, not only from hundreds of my friends telling me, but also from watching what was labeled as straight porn, but was NOT! My gay eyes at the age of 14 watched a video of hot ass men fucking, because my guy friends growing up wanted me to steal straight porn for all of us to watch like straight boys do, and I made the decision of taking a quick look at it before anyone else.”   
The crowd clapped and chuckled at his poor life decisions.  
“You know in the past I’ve had to hold back jokes cause my husband doesn’t approve of them, and I still do, but this time I have a great excuse that’s basically ‘It’s not me, it’s needed for the show’”   
He chuckled at himself as others chuckled along.  
“I loved it, it was wonderful, and when I had my husband approve this special here before you tonight It’s important to me to let you know that I had him blushing his perfect gay ass off. And then I fucked him in the shower”  
Richie winked at the crowd as people laughed.  
“Alright, lets start embarrassing my love shall we? First of all let me tell you- He has a gigantic wang, and as much as I love it it pisses me off. I try to assert my dominance with my 6’1 ass over his 5’9 ass but once he pulls out his dick, even if he wants to bottom, I feel immediately like I’m being personally attacked as a top. It’s unfair and it’s rude.”  
The audience laughed at his expense causing him to roll his eyes.  
“I have a medium dick though so that’s pretty cool, it can talk to ghosts”  
Various snorts and snickers came from the crowd.  
“Thank you people who actually fucking found that funny, Eddie did not find it funny but to be fair, as I have stated probably a few times, He thinks I’m not funny. It was a cheap joke, but it’s true I have like a medium sized dick. And what’s fucking adorable is that Eddie has the worst gag reflex in the world of gay men. The gay gods did not bless him, but they sure as hell blessed me”   
The crowd laughed and clapped for him.  
“Thank you, thank you. Oh and I might as well, while we’re still on the subject of my husband and I’s dicks, there is quite a few stories about condoms. You see I hate having to go out and buy condoms, I’m already a very awkward person if you can’t tell, add the awkwardness of buying condoms, and you got yourself a disaster of a situation. I always find myself buying other stuff to mask the box of condoms even though I know the cashier is picking up everything individually. You see I’m like that but then you have my Eddie Spaghetti who takes authority and just buys condoms and moves on with his life. Like what the hell is that shit about?! This man even once bought me extra extra extra small condoms just cause he wanted to make a joke for Christmas when the kids were asleep. I put one on my middle finger and flipped his rude ass off.”   
The audience laughed hysterically and clapped.  
“I think he buys condoms with confidence just cause he does everything with confidence now, and to annoy the shit out of me of course. After dating me for a few months and we started doing things… sexually”  
He wiggled his eyebrows like he usually did and let the audience laugh at him.   
“Yes, you heard me right, sexually. As of this is the worst thing you have heard from me tonight. Or at all. Anyways, after a while of thinking I was the kinky one, this bitch who has never been with another man unleashes all these kinks that some of them I didn’t know existed! And part of being kinky is safewords cause consent is key kids”   
Richie winked and sipped from his bottle of water as distant ‘woo’s came from the audience.  
“A safeword is supposed to be something that turns the other person off. So after Eddie told me that he was a kinky little shit, we debated for hours over our safewords. In the end, Eddie’s is Mommy and mine is Heterosexuality.”  
He let people cackle, smirking at the audience.  
“You have been an amazing audience, I’m Trashmouth and my special R Rated Trashmouth will be streaming on Netflix and soon to be illegally streamed on YouTube cause I know you bitches love to do that shit”  
Richie finished his water and walked off stage. Eddie was a blushing idiot, trying to be angry at his beloved Trashmouth. Richie smirked at him and walked over, “Are we going to be participating in any R-Rated activities ourselves?~”. He wiggled his eyebrows at his lover.  
But that only earned him an eye roll as Eddie snorted. “Yeah, sure, after telling a million of people about our sexual relationship”  
“Eddie, please just say sex or fuck from now on” Richie huffed and walked with Eddie to the parking lot


	8. Trashmouth In The Big House

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry it took so long for me to write this update on the story but hey it’s finally here!  
> My mind was just being stupid and I’ve had a lot of ideas for other Richie specials so I am so sorry!  
> But do enjoy and keep reading!

“Hello Boston!” Richie walked out on stage as the crowd cheered. He downed a shot of bourbon and placed the glass on his stool filled with two water bottles. “Boston, I have to confess something, and it isn’t my homosexuality, we been there and done that” 

The crowd listened intently to Richie, intrigued with what he was going to say next.

“Your beloved Richie Trashmouth Tozier is not as pure as you think!”

He gasped dramatically, putting a hand to his forehead. The audience laughed, causing him to pull a face. 

“It’s true! I, Richie Tozier, was once in the big house. The jail. The slammer. The joint. The some other word for jail.” Richie spoke in his best Al Capone voice. The audience gasped softly in slight surprise, but really did they expect Richie to always get away with his idiocy?

“How I got into the slammer is a fun story at my expense, which I know is everyone’s favorite. I remember that night, I just might regret that night for the rest of my days. I went to my friends Mike and Stan’s house, got really fucking high, and next thing I know I’m arrested for public nudity at a Wendy’s cause my high mind wanted me to be as hot as their chicken nuggets”

The audience exploded into laughter as Richie dropped to the floor and posed in a ‘paint-me-like-one-of-your-French-girls’ fashion.

He reached up to his stool, getting a bottle of water and taking a long slow sip. The sound people in the back of the audience played a guitar riff as Richie, poured the water on himself and shook his hair. He finished by smirking at the audience.

“Sorry I just needed to show you a preview of my newest porno”

Richie winked as the audience tried to catch their breath from laughing too much. Eddie ran quickly onto stage to hand Richie a towel and tried to run quickly off, but Richie grabbed him by the arm to place a kiss on his cheek before letting him go.

“My husband, everyone. Look at his ass as he runs away, that’s my ass, all mine.” 

Richie winked at the audience and dried himself off. People cheered and clapped for them, excited to see Eddie in person for once.

“Anyway, back when I was in the big house, I met some interesting guys that I hold very dear to my heart. Yes I have famous friends, but I also now have jail friends! There was this guy, hair dyed blonde, big beard, gorgeous blue eyes though I must say. He had a platypus tattoo on his bicep, a Kermit the frog tattoo on his forearm, a Winnie the Pooh tattoo on his ass that I don’t even want to tell you how I found out about, and a tattoo on his inner lip that says ‘Little Soup Boy, Chompa Chompa’.” 

He let the crowd cackle as he opened a second water bottle, taking a sip. 

“His name was Drew, He is one of my many Prison Pen Pals, and I’m guessing you want to know what he got arrested for?” 

Richie pointed his mic to the audience. Various screeches came from the crowd, wanting to hear.

“Drew was arrested for prostitution of himself, and the best words of wisdom he gave me was”

He changed his voice to mimic that of Drew’s, it was low, deep, and laid back. 

“ ‘Suck a dick for a nickel, if they say no, say for a dime, if they still say no offer for free’”

The audience gave a bit of concerned awkward laughter. 

“He also really liked Campbell Soup. Anyway, he was not my only friend there. I made friends with this guy named Braeden. His advice to me was”

He put on an oily, raspy, and high (as in the after smoking a shit ton of weed way) voice that mimicked how Braeden sounded according to Richie’s memory.

“ ‘If you can’t blind them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit’ ” 

The audience chuckled softly.

“Yeah, he was arrested for selling drugs at a 7/11 at 3 am, accidentally killing his partner Matt when trying to leave and accidentally shot him, and finally got caught by the police for drinking and driving. Lovely person though.”

The crowd laughed as Richie chuckled a bit himself.

“Yeah, there were some crazy times when I was behind bars. I tried jokingly flirting with a police officer, that earned me ten minutes behind bars, and then for 20 minutes I had Drew as my sugar daddy cause he gave me a bunch of cents he found on the floor from police officers pockets. Shhh, Don’t tell Eddie” 

As the crowd laughed their asses off, Richie bowed for them.

“Thank you guys, you have been a wonderful audience, I’m Trashmouth and watch this special, ‘Trashmouth In The Big House’ on Netflix and soon to be illegally streamed on YouTube cause I know you bitches love to do that shit. Also I think it’s important for me to let you know that I was only in jail for 30 minutes before Eddie bailed me out and we proceeded to have angry sex in the car once we parked in our driveway”.

As the audience lost it with laughter, Richie walked off stage to go give Eddie a kiss.

“I wanna throw you back into jail for fucking exposing us like that and having me come on stage” Eddie huffed at his husband.

“Would you rather me have you cum on stage darling?” Richie wiggled his eyebrows, unable to stop smirking.

“Oh my fucking god Rich” Eddie smacked his husband lightly upside the head, which only earned him a pornstar-like moan from Richie.


End file.
